I'm not sorry
by Joy Booth
Summary: Missions like these effect everyone differently.


It was a long week. None of them really dealt well with losing someone, even if it was someone they had just met. They had met Toby while tracking unexplained disappearances in Uruguay. Then he too went missing. They all had hope that they would rescue him, but when they finally found the werewolf's lair, it was too late.

As they walked back into the library, everyone went their own ways without a word. It was almost one in the morning when Jake's phone rang.

"Hello?" he grunted.

"Hey, are you sleeping?" she asked.

"No, I was planting a garden. It's one in the damn mornin' Cass! What do you think?" he snarled crankily.

"Nothing, I just.. sorry to wake you. Good night, Jake," she mumbled, hanging up quickly.

Annoyed, he tossed the phone back on the night stand, and slumped into his pillow. After five minutes of tossing and turning, he rolled out of bed, slipped on some clothes, and shuffled down the hall to her apartment.

It only took two knocks for her to open the door. He could tell she had been crying, but she tried to hide it.

"Hey, I'm sorry I woke you. I'm good. You should just go back to bed," she smiled weakly.

"I'm up. So invite me in, and make me some of that weird tea you like so much."

"It's not weird," she grumbled as she walked into the kitchen. They didn't say anything as the water heated. Him, because he was exhausted, and her, because she didn't know what to say. She poured two cups, and then sat next to him at the couch.

"So, what's on your mind?" he finally asked, when it was clear that she wouldn't start talking on her own.

"I was just thinking about Toby. I mean he must have been so scared. I just wish that we had gotten there in time," she shrugged, blinking back fresh tears.

"I know, sometimes things just aren't meant to be," he sighed.

"But he had plans. He was only 18. The first one in his family to actually get into college. He had more to do."

"It happened by choice. He could have lived a long life if he hadn't chosen to put himself in the wolf's way. He did it to save others. If he hadn't, if the wolf would have taken someone else. He would have lived with that regret and self loathing until it ate every good thing inside him. He chose to be brave. He chose his fate."

"But fate isn't a choice. Some of us don't get a choice," she said bitterly.

"I gotta believe that we can shape our own destiny. Maybe we don't get to choose how the story ends, but we make choices everyday. We decide what is worth the risk."

For a moment, it looked like she was fighting with herself. She knew if she said what she was thinking, it would change everything, but she couldn't stop herself. The words came pouring out of her.

"I don't want to have regrets, Jake. I have lived with my diagnosis for a long time. I always thought that when it was my time, I would slip away and no one would notice. Then, you come along and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have unfinished business. I want the chance to know what my life would be like with you."

"Cass, I don't think…"

"I know, but I… I love you. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. I wasn't going to say it, but I love you and I don't want to have regrets. That could have been you or me in that cave today. I don't want to be a ghost. I need you to know I feel and whatever you do with it is fine because then it's yours and at least I can say I tried."

Jake sat on the couch gaping like a fish. His mouth just opened and closed again and again. He didn't know what to say. It wasn't that he didn't have feelings for her. Hell he was half in love with her the moment he saw her, all bright shy smiles and quick thinking. It was just that he had already lost too many people in his life, and letting her get any closer was dangerous.

Meanwhile, Cassie sat on the opposite side of couch staring at him, waiting for any indication of his feelings. Jake was good at wearing masks though. His face was completely blank. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only a minute, Cassie stood up.

"I'm sorry. That was stupid. Just pretend I never said that," she said firmly. She had a mask too, she just hadn't worn it in a while so it was a little ill fitting. She swallowed the hollow feeling that was starting to creep up. She knew she couldn't keep the tears of rejection in for long. She had to get away.

"I going to go," she said, rolling her shoulders back slightly and walking toward the door.

"Wait, Cassie," he called after her.

"No, its fine. I just need to get some air. I will see in the morning," she mumbled.

"Cassandra, this is your apartment," he reminded her. As if she thought he was lying, she looked around.

"Oh, yeah, well… shut the door when you leave," she answered, grabbing her coat and disappearing out the door. By the time he got to the hall, she was gone. He almost went after her. It was late and she was not thinking clearly, but he knew his company would probably only make things worse.

The next morning when he walked into the annex, she was already sitting at her desk. She didn't look up when he came in. He usually said something, but now he wasn't sure. He sat at his desk and opened his clipping book.

There was nothing new, so he headed to the stacks to find something to read. It was one of the many wonderful things about the job. If there was nothing going on, they could read and it was still considered research. He was just researching a case that hadn't happened yet.

He found a comfy chair and dove into the legend of the hidden temple. He had been reading for a few hours when she came storming up to him.

"You know what?" she yelled.

He opened his mouth to say… something, but she cut him off.

"I'm not sorry. I un-apologize. You skulk around here like you don't care about anything, but I know you do. Pretending that you don't won't keep it from hurting when one of us gets hurt. It will just make you miss out on all the good memories we could make in the time we have."

"I didn't ask for this. I was perfectly happy with my life before you came along."

"Oh yeah, wasting your amazing mind working 9 to 5 was a real dream come true," she snapped sarcastically.

"At least I didn't have to put up with people like you constantly puttin' their nose in my business," he snarled.

"Well, I guess today is your lucky day, because I am done waiting for you to wake the hell up," she said before turning on her heel and walking away.

He didn't take her seriously. Cassie had a tendency to get all fired up and say things she didn't mean. He was sure that she would be back at some point to re-apologize. He was so sure that he complete failed to notice how much time had passed.

"Mr. Stone, it's almost midnight. Perhaps you wouldn't mind leaving, so I can lock up," Jenkins said, clearly annoyed.

"Are you serious?" Jake checked his watch. "Sorry, I guess the time got away from me."

"Understandable, just don't let it happen again," the old man grumbled.

Jake gathered his things. He couldn't believe everyone had left without a word. He thought about going home, but he wasn't particularly tired. On the way home, he saw a neon sign and pulled in.

The Griffin was an average bar. It had a small dance floor and an acceptable amount of beers on tap. The librarians often stopped in after a long day of saving the world. Jake headed straight for the bar. He ordered a drink and was swirling it in the glass when a woman sat down next to him.

"Buy me a drink?" she asked flirtatiously. She was just his type, tan, with dark hair and full lips.

"What are ya drinking?" he smirked. They sat for a few minutes talking about nothing, but Jake was bored. All the woman wanted to talk about was the latest episode of Elementary, and he asked if she liked Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, she looked confused.

He should have been used to it, the old him would never have even asked. Acknowledging that he liked to read anything other than occasional magazine was unthinkable. He turned toward the dance floor to change the subject, when he saw a familiar head moving through the crowd. The woman was still talking about her trip to Cancun, but Jake's focus was completely drawn to the redhead across the room.

Cassie was dancing with some Neanderthal. He was entirely to handsy for Jake's comfort, but Cassie was just going along with it. Without saying a word to the woman next to him, he marched across the room to put a stop to it.

"Mind if I cut in?" he growled. The Neanderthal almost said something, but Jake must have looked deadly, because the other guy just disappeared into the crowd. Taking her by the arm, he pulled her off the dance floor and out the door.

"What the hell do you think you were doing in there?" he asked, eyes wild.

"I thought I was having a good time. What the hell are you doing?" she asked right back.

"Excuse me?" he answered incredulously.

"I said, what the hell did you think you were doing? I am a grown woman and if I want to dance with a handsome man, who are you to stop me?" she asked with a measured tone that spoke to thinly veiled rage.

"I think I am your friend," he answered starting to lose his thunder.

"And here I thought we had just agreed that we would never be friends. How silly of me," she laughed humorlessly.

"I didn't say we couldn't be friends, Cass. You are not being fair."

"Life's not fair," she said, turning to walk away again, but this time he caught her.

"Let go," she growled.

"No, I don't want you dancing with that punk," he snarled right back.

"I told you, I'm done waiting. Now let me go or…"

Whatever she was going to say, was lost as he pulled her in and kissed her. All too soon, she pulled away.

"No, I'm sorry, Jake. You can't just decide you want me because you are feeling jealous," she shook herself, taking another step back. "You… you don't want me, you just don't want to see me with someone else."

"It's not like that," he argued.

"It's exactly like that. Why don't you just head back to that pretty brunette at the bar, and keep your nose out of my business."

"Cassie, just… Would ya just wait a minute?"

"Why?"

"Because you were right. Ok? I was being stubborn and holding on to a life I didn't really want because it's easier to live a lie you don't really care about than to accept the truth," he said.

"And the truth is?"

"The truth is that I more than like you. You are more the smartest, most beautiful pain in the ass I have ever met. Thinking of my life without you makes me sick, but that day is going to come. Loving you would just make it that much harder to let you go," he answered sadly.

"So, let me go now, then," she said softly.

"I don't want to…"

"That's not fair, Jake."

"Life's not fair," he smirked.

"So, I'm just supposed to…"

"You are supposed to let me take you home. I'll make you a cup of the weird tea you like. Then you can tell me all about neutron imaging and we will see where it goes."

"Oh, I just read an article about that in Physics News," she babbled excitedly, as he walked her to his truck.

"I know," he smiled back. "I pay attention."

They barely closed her apartment door, before he couldn't stop himself from kissing her again. Clothes were scattered in a trail down the hall to the bedroom. Jake reached for the blanket that had landed on the floor, and tucked it around their rapidly cooling bodies.

"I thought we weren't going to do that?" She teased, her breath still trying to regain its normal cadence.

"What can I say? You changed my mind. I guess we were both done waiting," he chuckled.

"So, about that tea?" She asked, though honestly she was wondering about more than that.

"In the mornin' darlin'," he sighed tiredly.

"But you will be here?"

"I'll be here. There is no place I'd rather be."


End file.
